Accentuating the Positive is Difficult...

I realize that life isn't fair. 

I've understood that for a long time. 

But you'd think that at some point balance would be brought back in and the scale wouldn't always be tipped in that unfair side. But apparently I still have some more tipping to do. 

Each day I have to take multiple deep breaths and remind myself that things are not as bad as I feel they are, that everything will work out in the end, and all of those other clichés that are actually true. Because if I don't take those breaths, I will curl up on my bed and cry. And that's not a place that I should be, want to be, need to be. 

And so, I've written this on my mirror to help remind me:

"All I ask is one thing, and I'm asking this particularly of young people: please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen." -Conan O'Brien

Right now, I'm trying to continue to work really hard and be kinder than I have been, and taking those deep breaths remind me that even if the amazing things that I want to happen (to have a boy maybe text me back or maybe ask me on a date or at least to think I was charming and witty, or not to have a calling where I'm told that everything that I've done in my first week should've been anticipated and done a week before, or to actually get a tan [yes, I realize that these are all kind of lame, but there they are]), there's the hope that something good will happen one of these days. 

And right now, I'm holding on to that hope because the evidence lately has indicated that while sunshine may be in the forecast for the area (FINALLY!), there's some stretching that I apparently need to do.  I just have to remember that I just need to outgrow my little pot before I can be moved into the garden to bloom. 

I Am What I Am

In my daily travels around the Internet, I have found various blogs that I love and read religiously (meaning that whenever they show up in my google reader, I read them!). And one of those blogs posted something that came at a particular time that reminded me of something that I seem to always forget--that I have to be me. I don't have to be anyone else, sound like anyone else, act like anyone else, and no one really wants me to be that way. So, I've taken a few breaths since this weekend and Monday when I was feeling frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, and all of those unhappy emotions (whether towards situations or towards myself) and am feeling a lot better. But I thought I'd share the insightful post I found, just in case you would want to read it yourself:

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

Currently Vol. 1

Current books: Talking to Girls About Duran Duran: One Man's Quest for Love and a Better Haircut by Rob Sheffield. I highly recommend it. Music. Dating. Personal essays. All in one book. The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom.

Current playlist: I call it my Summer Mix. We have: The Fox and This Side by Nickel Creek, To Whom It May Concern by The Civil Wars, Terrified by Katharine McPhee and Zachary Levi, Rhythm of Love by Plain White Ts, Stop This Train by John Mayer, Run For Your Life by the Beatles, Perfectly Lonely by John Mayer.

Current color: Turquoise. I'm wanting to be back in Puerto Rico on the beach with that beautiful water.

Current favorite show: Toss up. We've got Chuck. 30 Rock. The IT Crowd. Spooks. Fairly Legal

Current wishlist: A new apartment. I think I just need a change. And for the MoTab to stop scheduling stuff around my vacations!

Current bane of existence: Time zones.

Freedom

Hallelujah!

I finished my paper. Just in time too.

And since then, the vacation I thought I was going to enjoy has pretty much sucked. 

I had to give a talk yesterday. And I hated every minute of it. Usually I'm fine with giving a talk, but this one did not come easily. And then giving it was emotionally exhausting. It didn't help that right before I got into an argument with my dad. Or that I was frustrated by my calling.

Yep. I got a calling too. 

It's not so much the calling. Well, it is. I have to put together the ward directory, take pictures of the new people, and then organize the calling board so that the bishopric know who has what calling. I just feel like I'm a secretary again. Organizing on paper. That's what I do. And it doesn't help that every member of the bishopric keeps saying "We just think that you of all people would be great at this." The new LDS.org allows you to print a fantastic directory with pictures... but I need a ward clerk to upload those pictures since I don't have admin rights. And then it's the fact that the only reason I got called to this, as I was told, was because I have a nice camera and I can rattle off the entire name of the camera. Wow. Special. 

But I do my callings. I was just hoping for something a little less time intensive. Something where I just had to show up for church and do my thing and leave. I'm just not really feeling the ward and the changes in the dynamics to my friends have just brought to my realization that I probably need to consider moving. In order to avoid drama, I have just taken myself out of the equation of most activities because I feel like that is better than being accused of not being myself, when the truth is that the dynamics have changed drastically and right now I need to readjust. But apparently I don't have that time because I have to figure out how to get all of these pictures of ward members and get them on the website. Because I'm the only person in the whole ward who can figure that out. 

Is it July yet? I could really use some time away from Utah. 

500 words left celebratory post

I have 500 words left on my paper so I thought I'd share a couple of things that I've learned in the past week (also as a way to procrastinate some more...):

1. It's possible to make a dress in 1 day. Basically all you need is a t-shirt, one and a half yards of fabric, and a sewing machine. Easy.

2. I discovered the close-up setting on my camera. My nephew Sp had fun taking lots of pictures with me.

3. I'm a California girl through and through. And that's why my friend H decided that it was time I got back to my blond roots and let them show through. Day one was kind of: WOAH. I'm a blond! But I'm liking it now.

4. Spring has arrived in Utah. And that makes me VERY happy. In fact, during lunch on Thursday, I went and took some pictures. I was pretty pleased how it turned out.

5. Baseball season has also started. I bought a Boston Red Sox hat (I'm starting to love them) and then this Garden Gnome. That's right--he's wearing a Padres hat. I will ALWAYS root for the Padres. 

I wish I could see a game this year, but see my post below to remind yourself why I won't be going back to San Diego this summer.

6. In the spirit of makeovers and just trying something new, my friend K has been talking up her eyelash extensions. So, last night, I got some. (I know... Mom is probably rolling her eyes and thinking to herself, "What kind of daughter did I raise that she would be so frivolous as to get EYELASH EXTENSIONS? Your own eyelashes are fine, Laurel!"). 

So... after 24 hours... I'm not feeling them. They LOOK beautiful. But they itch. They poke. And I kind of miss that low-maintenance look I had going on--the little bit of mascara. I'm going to give them a week before I decide if I want to keep getting them filled. Maybe they won't be as stiff in a week. We'll see. But maybe I've just realized that I'm is definitely a non-glamorous type of girl. I'm more of the going to the beach and play in the water than lay on the sand, wear jeans and Vans type of girl. But I do have to admit--they look beautiful. And my passport picture totally has them!

So, there it is. 

And the paper is due Tuesday night. Then you won't have to hear about it anymore! 

A long time ago...

. . . I may have posted something about wanting to go back to England.

Well, it's happening.

August 30th-September 10th I will be on the island of my ancestors, roaming to and fro, and hopefully not getting into TOO much trouble. I have a list of things to see: Dr. Who Exhibit, Sherlock Holmes Museum, Victoria & Albert Museum, Bath, Jane Austen's home, various locations in London from the Harry Potter movies, and possibly a trip to the Lake District with an awesome friend currently living in England.

I'm going to eat lots of pastries and chocolate--which means I need to lose more weight now so I can gain some of it back--and enjoy England like I didn't when I was 18.

It's glorious to be single and to have money. And to have family living across the pond. Now, if only my little niece would warm up to me...

I would rather...

Things that I would rather be doing than writing another paper for class:

*visiting the dentist
*still being at work
*watching a horror movie by myself
*asking a boy out on a date, even though I know he will say "No".
*taking a four hour car drive to Death Valley. 

And that's what I got.

Now I will get back to my paper. 250 words done and I hope to get to 1,000 tonight.

Just a memory

I went to just one formal dance in high school.

I know. Hard to believe. How could this girl not get asked to formal dances? But it's true.

It was Winter Formal and I had asked Twin's friend to go with me. The night was going fine (not as magical as they make it out to be in teen movies) and then my date asked Twin's date (who became Twin's wife) to dance one slow song. In the middle of the dance floor, Twin and I were the only ones left without partners. I turned to him and he turned away and walked off the dance floor. Not wanting to take up space, I quickly found some empty chairs in a corner and took one, praying that the song would end soon, looking at my skirt and top and being annoyed that I had let my mother pick the material, and wishing that the night would be over.

I think that scene has repeated over and over... in a metaphorical sense. 

If only people would stop playing slow, love songs. 

If he only knew the half of it....

This came in my email today:

My brothers prepared me well.

Did I mention that my new work assignment started today? 

And that I get my office on Monday?

And that I get to work with my new stake president and his second counselor in a professional work environment? The plan is to NOT tell them I'm in their stake. Something tells me that they'll find me at church in the next few weeks though...

Stay tuned. I'm pretty sure the awkward episodes of my life will only flourish with time. 

And yes...I've done 1,776 words for paper 1. Paper 2 is currently at 94. They're both supposed to be 3,000.

Things I love and things I don't....

Things I love:

*Weather reports that say sunshine and 60-70 degree weather for the week.
*Sunshine (The real thing and as a nickname... I wish it would stick... But then again, no nickname has ever stuck).
*Being released and shredding all of my RS information (I'm DONE!).
*Getting an office (happening NEXT Monday).
*Visiting with old friends (and then hearing their love stories over the pulpit at major Church events--I'm looking at you, Dzella!).
*Sewing time with Juls (made a purse...next on the list is a dress).
*Learning new words (like marginalia [words written in margins of books]).
*The Civil Wars (best music EVER!); Nickel Creek 
*Zachary Levi: Chuck. Tangled.
*Bluegrass Band practice. (We've already learned The Fox by Nickel Creek. Amazing). 
*Finding old letters from friends while cleaning out some boxes. 

Things I don't love:

*Snow. On a Saturday.
*1 PM Church time (Seriously? How am I going to survive? Everyone says sleep in... this girl can't sleep in. I'm going to fall asleep during Relief Society EVERY week. This isn't good).
*Unanswered texts (There are certain people I've resorted to calling and leaving a missed call because a text doesn't get a response. I may go passive aggressive and just not respond to their texts because being assertive and asking why they don't respond doesn't work).
*Phone calls and texts from people as if I'm STILL the RS president. (I was RELEASED!!)
*Having to write two papers. (Not cool. Not cool at all. Two more weeks....)