Some Time Away...

It seems that I'm not chained at my desk. 

For the first time since England in September, I was able to skip out of some work and fly to Arizona. Actually, I'm sitting at my brother, B's kitchen table, avoiding doing homework and thinking about doing once last run this morning before I go for a hike with the nephews, and a couple of my sisters-in-law. 

It's warm outside. 

And to be honest, I needed a break. I needed to be away to be able to breathe. 

It's amazing how quickly things can change. 

One minute you're just trying to survive until the weekend, only having enough energy to go to work, come home and do schoolwork, and then crawl into bed. Everything else is a chore. The big "end" goals aren't important because you're having a difficult enough time trying to meet the every-day goals.

And then, then... something completely unexpected happens. And to be honest, I'm perplexed at what to do next. I'm not sure where to go from here. That anxiety is making me sick to my stomach every time I spend a lot of time processing--which seems to be often because my mind is still trying to wrap itself around the situation. 

I can only describe it as the same anxiety I felt whenever I was transferred on my mission. I knew it was coming, my mission president and I always discussed and agreed that it was time, but from the moment I got my transfer call until a week after being in the area, I would not want to eat, I would have trouble sleeping and my mind would be going 26,000 miles per hour. Apparently, not much has changed in 6 years.

So I ran away to my brother's house... grateful for the distraction. Although I check my phone every so often just to see, and quietly wonder to myself if I'm still as crazy as I thought I was three weeks ago. But then one of my nephews calls my name and I can forget for a little while longer. 

Those adorable nephews who show me that they edit their own books...

Or we go to the park and set off rockets...

I am dreading Monday morning when I head back to reality. And I have to deal with taking the next step. 

But I'll admit it... even with the wanting to puke, and the not wanting to eat (when have I ever NOT wanted to eat... as my friend said, it's the best diet anyone could ask for... before leaving on Wednesday I was down 6 pounds... and I still have eaten minimally while here)... I like it. I like that my frustration and boldness finally took over, that I demanded something, and for once... I got an answer that wasn't the same as the others. 

And now... I bid you "cheers" so I can go for a run and then work on some homework. Because goodness knows I need to finish my homework assignment and get to my final project since December is already getting pretty jammed packed.

Good. Better. Best. And Wishes.

I know I've said that I love praise. 

But sometimes I wish I wasn't the best. Or better.

Sometimes I wish that being just good or even "okay" was enough.

And that seems to start off with all of things that I'm wishing about.

There's something magical about this time of year for me... the fir trees in the house with glittering lights, the frost on my car in the morning, the glistening snow covered ground when I head out first thing in the morning, the gingerbread hot chocolate that I get. The magic seems to tell me that anything is possible. Wishes do come true. There will be a "happily ever after."

But with all that possibility filling the air, my mind seems to think that I need to recommit to all of my goals from years' past. But I have changed. My life circumstance has changed. These are not excuses. It is simply fact. Things just aren't as easy to fit in when you work 45 hours a week and do 10 hours of school a week, and want to get sleep, and see friends, and read books. But that wish list keeps growing:

*Losing weight

*getting tickets to the Christmas concert and maybe having enough for everyone who wants them.

*finishing my novel

*playing the guitar

*finishing my books

*finishing school

*finishing sewing, crocheting projects

*learning to knit

*going on a date (yep... we're back into a lull... March was the last time I was on a date.)

*living my love story (whether cute or uninteresting... I wish I just had a story...)

*laughing more often

*crying a little less

*enjoying the winter season (Co-worker Dave is planning a ski day. He means for me to practice before that day...)

*wanting a trip to the beach (it's almost been a year since I had a VG donut and walked along So. Carlsbad State Beach)

*making plans for trips to Disneyland, DC, and Boston next year (I want to go. I'm tired of waiting for an opportunity to see the things I'm dying to see)

Maybe one day soon I'll have a minute to stop and think about these wishes and make some serious plans so that they happen. But for now, I'll curl up tonight with my laptop, my homework, and a cup of hot chocolate, and be grateful that this is the time of year that fills me with the sweet whisperings that "Anything is possible", and that "I will get what I wish for".